Things have changed; there is sadness, there is hope.
The greatest part of my life is entwined with Grace Church - more than a job, this group of people allows me to channel my passion into the very people I care most about. I think everyone who works here appreciates that this 'job' demands considerably more than other career paths. Yet it is an utter joy and honour to work in the areas of ministry which land at the top of my list of 'meaningful things'.
So when things shift in the centre of Grace Church, I am effected.
I remember back to a poem I wrote in my 'dark night of the soul' which began with the words: 'the wisdom of heart is none at all'. Once again I am dragged back from complete introspection and obedience to my emotions and am spun around to the Lord who knows me, loves me, and has given me all I need for life and Godliness (2 Peter 1:3). As someone whose face reads like a book, I am still pretty bad at reading my emotions and dealing with them well. It is too easy to slump into them and resist the truth of God which beckons me into the arms of the Father.
Nick Sharp has played a huge role in my life. He showed me what drinking in the Holy Spirit looks like. His teaching propelled my soul from lukewarm dregs to boiling heat. His stories of evangelism challenged me during my own crunch times so many times. The Nick gap is as yet undefined and will be cast in sharper relief as time passes.
I'm sad to lose such regular contact with my friend who helped me so much. Nick encouraged me to pursue goals which I would have never considered. He reminded me time and again of the grace of God which defines my identity. Penny became a real friend in latter years. We led a group together, dreamed of loving a group of women with broken lives. We laughed hysterically and cried and drank wine.
I do not fear for the future of Grace Church. God was not taken by surprise at this turn of events and He has been working in and with us to prepare the ground for this season. Decisions, meetings, plans which seemed inconsequential are now proven to be wise and critically required. The foundations laid are strong. We continue to build and stretch beyond where we have been. I am not worried. God is here. But I am sad.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Friday, August 18, 2017
My life in a song
I wrote this song some years ago while living in Uganda and struggling with knowing my purpose. This verse speaks of forsaking God and trying to replace Him and His purposes with our own - broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
Jeremiah 2:13 'My people have committed
two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their
own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water'
Enjoy!
When my heart runs after others, when my soul knows no peace,
When my tears run dry and wine of life's flow is all but ceased -
Then I'll seek my Lover, my heart will find its home,
My mind will know the peace of God where dreams begin to grow.
Carrying heavy buckets, straining arm and limb
When all the time I should have bathed my feet within Him:
The source of holy water, the stream of love and life,
The final place to find God's grace and who I am in Christ.
When the clouds of boredom bear down with purpose unrealised,
When 'whys' and 'where's' and 'who's' and 'there's' flood over gentle sighs -
Simply turn the corner, walk the other way
Into the arms of Father who saw me from far away
Carrying heavy burdens, straining heart and soul
When all the time I could have found in Him my home.
A father to the friendless, a shelter for the least,
The One who'll run to say 'well done, come join Me in My feast'.
Enjoy!
When my heart runs after others, when my soul knows no peace,
When my tears run dry and wine of life's flow is all but ceased -
Then I'll seek my Lover, my heart will find its home,
My mind will know the peace of God where dreams begin to grow.
Carrying heavy buckets, straining arm and limb
When all the time I should have bathed my feet within Him:
The source of holy water, the stream of love and life,
The final place to find God's grace and who I am in Christ.
When the clouds of boredom bear down with purpose unrealised,
When 'whys' and 'where's' and 'who's' and 'there's' flood over gentle sighs -
Simply turn the corner, walk the other way
Into the arms of Father who saw me from far away
Carrying heavy burdens, straining heart and soul
When all the time I could have found in Him my home.
A father to the friendless, a shelter for the least,
The One who'll run to say 'well done, come join Me in My feast'.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
You're my God
My greatest joy and challenge is found in leading the 12 o'clock service. It started 18 months ago as a solution to the question 'what next?' following several years of running a Food Bank. We knew people, we had tried to have 'the chat' about Jesus, we had given out thousands of slices of toast and were left wanting more.
So we cook delicious food, open up the doors and see 20-25 people come on a Wednesday for lunch and a 1 hour easy-access church service.
We sang 'here I am to worship' yesterday and I was struck by the line 'here I am to say that you're my God'. By acknowledging the relationship of God to me, I am changed. He is my provider, my strong one, my life-giver - He is my God. And I am daughter, beloved, cared for - for He is my God. Wow!
Joy is found in knowing without a doubt that God CAN help anyone, more than that, God wants to. Seeing God do what only He can - healing shoulders and backs, saving people into eternal life, giving comfort in the face of terrible circumstances lends moments of knowing there is nothing better. Seeing people week by week move from trust-less isolationism into warm friendliness towards us and God is wonderful.
And yet the lives which clothe these precious people who bear the likeness of God are maddening. I am furious at the stranglehold of addiction, the debilitation of mental illness, the repetition of destructive behaviour worn into the fingertips of people over years. So often disappointment follows a spiritual triumph and it is easy to sink into despondency and dream of being whisked to heaven away from the struggle and into the perfect and magnificent presence of God. And I long to take my 12 o'clock friends with me. Drama queen: yes.
Yet, this is a life I am grateful for. It is littered with disappointment and failure but I would choose no other. For God gives my heart joy every day, He gives my mind peace, He gives me perspective and purpose and the joy of interacting with the people I most care about. What more can a girl ask for?
So we cook delicious food, open up the doors and see 20-25 people come on a Wednesday for lunch and a 1 hour easy-access church service.
We sang 'here I am to worship' yesterday and I was struck by the line 'here I am to say that you're my God'. By acknowledging the relationship of God to me, I am changed. He is my provider, my strong one, my life-giver - He is my God. And I am daughter, beloved, cared for - for He is my God. Wow!
Joy is found in knowing without a doubt that God CAN help anyone, more than that, God wants to. Seeing God do what only He can - healing shoulders and backs, saving people into eternal life, giving comfort in the face of terrible circumstances lends moments of knowing there is nothing better. Seeing people week by week move from trust-less isolationism into warm friendliness towards us and God is wonderful.
And yet the lives which clothe these precious people who bear the likeness of God are maddening. I am furious at the stranglehold of addiction, the debilitation of mental illness, the repetition of destructive behaviour worn into the fingertips of people over years. So often disappointment follows a spiritual triumph and it is easy to sink into despondency and dream of being whisked to heaven away from the struggle and into the perfect and magnificent presence of God. And I long to take my 12 o'clock friends with me. Drama queen: yes.
Yet, this is a life I am grateful for. It is littered with disappointment and failure but I would choose no other. For God gives my heart joy every day, He gives my mind peace, He gives me perspective and purpose and the joy of interacting with the people I most care about. What more can a girl ask for?
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
My comfort would prefer for me to be numb
... and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.
One of my favourite songs of all time, CS Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser, which digs deep into the root of my soul, provoking my greatest desire and my most prolonged regret. Comfort.
I spoke recently at church from Hannah's Song in 1 Samuel, and God put His thumb on something that has been niggling at me for ages and which seems to have finally crystallised into an observable object. I am driven by comfort.
Comfort takes many forms - it includes keeping my home tidy and neat. It also includes small indulgences in time-management such as using free evenings watching TV rather than pursuing greater goals. Comfort means choice - selecting the best fit for my mood with regards to food, money, time, friendships.
It is a human instinct, and God has created us with preferences. He knows we like things a certain way to bring us enjoyment and peace. BUT when these preferences overtake better objectives, such as exchanging Bible time for an episode of House, something has gone awry.
The truth of this discovery is both razor sharp and dully boring to me. The sharpness comes in recognising new and inventive ways I put myself first, and the boredom comes through the long hard slog of detangling myself from the web of comfort-givers to see the best plan God is holding out to me. I know with certainty that He has better for me than my current reality, but to step into it would result in the pain of not satisfying my every whim! And although it sounds pathetic, the fear of boredom and loss is too much for my everyday soul to bear. So I don't. I carry on as usual and neglect the greatness in favour of preoccupation.
This accompanies a great sense of failure. John Piper did me a favour in writing 'Don't waste your life' and also a great disservice. I am already prone to feeling like I have failed, and this sentiment lies at the heart of my grace-forgetfulness. In order to make the most of my life, to leave a legacy, to bring maximum glory to God and peace on earth, I must sacrifice my life like the apostle Paul and other heroes have done. There is no way that I can achieve God's best AND watch TV in an evening! All or nothing: constant failure.
So what is the truth? My comfort - my earthly self, my sleep-loving, over-indulgent selfish self who is self-obsessed prefers the numbness of mediocre living. My super-charged best self yearns for meaning. The middle ground lies in the simple act of breathing deeply. Breathe in - Jesus loves me, died for me, gives me meaning and purpose. Breathe out - He knows I have needs and pitfalls, and He has grace to love me through it all. When I search for meaning anywhere other than the grace of Christ, I spiral into self-recrimination. Only in Jesus is there freedom to enjoy comfort and yearn for the greater plans of God in balance and in tension.
One of my favourite songs of all time, CS Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser, which digs deep into the root of my soul, provoking my greatest desire and my most prolonged regret. Comfort.
I spoke recently at church from Hannah's Song in 1 Samuel, and God put His thumb on something that has been niggling at me for ages and which seems to have finally crystallised into an observable object. I am driven by comfort.
Comfort takes many forms - it includes keeping my home tidy and neat. It also includes small indulgences in time-management such as using free evenings watching TV rather than pursuing greater goals. Comfort means choice - selecting the best fit for my mood with regards to food, money, time, friendships.
It is a human instinct, and God has created us with preferences. He knows we like things a certain way to bring us enjoyment and peace. BUT when these preferences overtake better objectives, such as exchanging Bible time for an episode of House, something has gone awry.
The truth of this discovery is both razor sharp and dully boring to me. The sharpness comes in recognising new and inventive ways I put myself first, and the boredom comes through the long hard slog of detangling myself from the web of comfort-givers to see the best plan God is holding out to me. I know with certainty that He has better for me than my current reality, but to step into it would result in the pain of not satisfying my every whim! And although it sounds pathetic, the fear of boredom and loss is too much for my everyday soul to bear. So I don't. I carry on as usual and neglect the greatness in favour of preoccupation.
This accompanies a great sense of failure. John Piper did me a favour in writing 'Don't waste your life' and also a great disservice. I am already prone to feeling like I have failed, and this sentiment lies at the heart of my grace-forgetfulness. In order to make the most of my life, to leave a legacy, to bring maximum glory to God and peace on earth, I must sacrifice my life like the apostle Paul and other heroes have done. There is no way that I can achieve God's best AND watch TV in an evening! All or nothing: constant failure.
So what is the truth? My comfort - my earthly self, my sleep-loving, over-indulgent selfish self who is self-obsessed prefers the numbness of mediocre living. My super-charged best self yearns for meaning. The middle ground lies in the simple act of breathing deeply. Breathe in - Jesus loves me, died for me, gives me meaning and purpose. Breathe out - He knows I have needs and pitfalls, and He has grace to love me through it all. When I search for meaning anywhere other than the grace of Christ, I spiral into self-recrimination. Only in Jesus is there freedom to enjoy comfort and yearn for the greater plans of God in balance and in tension.
Monday, February 20, 2017
God is good all the time, all the time God is good
It feels like a breath of fresh air to restart this blog. It is self-indulgent, and it gives me the chance to summarise thoughts and feelings which otherwise can linger undisclosed and only partially understood. Maybe nobody in the world will know of the existence of this page, I do not really write for an audience, but to capture something that is happening in my life, and express it in a way which satisfies my mind and heart. Of course, I dream of being hit by a bus and dying prematurely, and people reading this blog and feeling a heart-connection with me! Of course.
So, here we go! The span between this post and the last has been huge, and there is too much to say about all that has happened in the middle, but a summary of what today looks like: It is Monday, I am soon to be off to work at Grace Church. From 9am, I am leading our staff team and interns in a time of worship reminiscent of those we share in Malawi. Sunday Review and Planning meeting later in the morning followed by Social Hub in the afternoon. This evening, I am hosting a time of prayer for Social Justice ministries.
Mondays are busy and they are usually accompanied by dread first thing in the morning - Monday morning blues which can only be combated by the intervention of the Holy Spirit (and Aldi's pecan & maple granola). I have tried satisfying my own comfort, taking control - none of it brings me peace, it is only asking the Lord for help and allowing Him to flood my thoughts. What a gift that He loves to give His Spirit. Sometimes with drama and often with a peaceful calm which settles over me 10 minutes after asking in frustration.
I have found prayer to be a singularly effective means of receiving peace and joy. There are so many reasons prayer is wonderful. For me, an extrovert, it is a means of externalising my needs, my love, my praise. It also restores balance to my mind and emotion. And it provides a clear way forward, as God gives me ideas. And what an added blessing - God hears my prayer and answers; what a joy when His generosity and my asking collide and I am given new faith in the One who knows me, loves me and has everything I need. Thank You God!
As usual, I am swallowing down self-recrimination which robs me of my joy in God's salvation. This morning, I choose to focus on the goodness of God covering all my sin and presenting me blameless and perfect this morning before the throne of grace. I am forgiven totally and utterly. I am welcome before the Lord, I am destined in be in glory forever and ever and today God is good.
So, here we go! The span between this post and the last has been huge, and there is too much to say about all that has happened in the middle, but a summary of what today looks like: It is Monday, I am soon to be off to work at Grace Church. From 9am, I am leading our staff team and interns in a time of worship reminiscent of those we share in Malawi. Sunday Review and Planning meeting later in the morning followed by Social Hub in the afternoon. This evening, I am hosting a time of prayer for Social Justice ministries.
Mondays are busy and they are usually accompanied by dread first thing in the morning - Monday morning blues which can only be combated by the intervention of the Holy Spirit (and Aldi's pecan & maple granola). I have tried satisfying my own comfort, taking control - none of it brings me peace, it is only asking the Lord for help and allowing Him to flood my thoughts. What a gift that He loves to give His Spirit. Sometimes with drama and often with a peaceful calm which settles over me 10 minutes after asking in frustration.
I have found prayer to be a singularly effective means of receiving peace and joy. There are so many reasons prayer is wonderful. For me, an extrovert, it is a means of externalising my needs, my love, my praise. It also restores balance to my mind and emotion. And it provides a clear way forward, as God gives me ideas. And what an added blessing - God hears my prayer and answers; what a joy when His generosity and my asking collide and I am given new faith in the One who knows me, loves me and has everything I need. Thank You God!
As usual, I am swallowing down self-recrimination which robs me of my joy in God's salvation. This morning, I choose to focus on the goodness of God covering all my sin and presenting me blameless and perfect this morning before the throne of grace. I am forgiven totally and utterly. I am welcome before the Lord, I am destined in be in glory forever and ever and today God is good.
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