My comfort would prefer for me to be numb

... and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become. 

One of my favourite songs of all time, CS Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser, which digs deep into the root of my soul, provoking my greatest desire and my most prolonged regret. Comfort. 

I spoke recently at church from Hannah's Song in 1 Samuel, and God put His thumb on something that has been niggling at me for ages and which seems to have finally crystallised into an observable object. I am driven by comfort. 

Comfort takes many forms - it includes keeping my home tidy and neat. It also includes small indulgences in time-management such as using free evenings watching TV rather than pursuing greater goals. Comfort means choice - selecting the best fit for my mood with regards to food, money, time, friendships. 

It is a human instinct, and God has created us with preferences. He knows we like things a certain way to bring us enjoyment and peace. BUT when these preferences overtake better objectives, such as exchanging Bible time for an episode of House, something has gone awry. 

The truth of this discovery is both razor sharp and dully boring to me. The sharpness comes in recognising new and inventive ways I put myself first, and the boredom comes through the long hard slog of detangling myself from the web of comfort-givers to see the best plan God is holding out to me. I know with certainty that He has better for me than my current reality, but to step into it would result in the pain of not satisfying my every whim! And although it sounds pathetic, the fear of boredom and loss is too much for my everyday soul to bear. So I don't. I carry on as usual and neglect the greatness in favour of preoccupation. 

This accompanies a great sense of failure. John Piper did me a favour in writing 'Don't waste your life' and also a great disservice. I am already prone to feeling like I have failed, and this sentiment lies at the heart of my grace-forgetfulness. In order to make the most of my life, to leave a legacy, to bring maximum glory to God and peace on earth, I must sacrifice my life like the apostle Paul and other heroes have done. There is no way that I can achieve God's best AND watch TV in an evening! All or nothing: constant failure. 

So what is the truth? My comfort - my earthly self, my sleep-loving, over-indulgent selfish self who is self-obsessed prefers the numbness of mediocre living. My super-charged best self yearns for meaning. The middle ground lies in the simple act of breathing deeply. Breathe in - Jesus loves me, died for me, gives me meaning and purpose. Breathe out - He knows I have needs and pitfalls, and He has grace to love me through it all. When I search for meaning anywhere other than the grace of Christ, I spiral into self-recrimination. Only in Jesus is there freedom to enjoy comfort and yearn for the greater plans of God in balance and in tension. 

God is good all the time, all the time God is good

It feels like a breath of fresh air to restart this blog. It is self-indulgent, and it gives me the chance to summarise thoughts and feelings which otherwise can linger undisclosed and only partially understood. Maybe nobody in the world will know of the existence of this page, I do not really write for an audience, but to capture something that is happening in my life, and express it in a way which satisfies my mind and heart. Of course, I dream of being hit by a bus and dying prematurely, and people reading this blog and feeling a heart-connection with me! Of course.

So, here we go! The span between this post and the last has been huge, and there is too much to say about all that has happened in the middle, but a summary of what today looks like: It is Monday, I am soon to be off to work at Grace Church. From 9am, I am leading our staff team and interns in a time of worship reminiscent of those we share in Malawi. Sunday Review and Planning meeting later in the morning followed by Social Hub in the afternoon. This evening, I am hosting a time of prayer for Social Justice ministries. 

Mondays are busy and they are usually accompanied by dread first thing in the morning - Monday morning blues which can only be combated by the intervention of the Holy Spirit (and Aldi's pecan & maple granola). I have tried satisfying my own comfort, taking control - none of it brings me peace, it is only asking the Lord for help and allowing Him to flood my thoughts. What a gift that He loves to give His Spirit. Sometimes with drama and often with a peaceful calm which settles over me 10 minutes after asking in frustration. 

I have found prayer to be a singularly effective means of receiving peace and joy. There are so many reasons prayer is wonderful. For me, an extrovert, it is a means of externalising my needs, my love, my praise. It also restores balance to my mind and emotion. And it provides a clear way forward, as God gives me ideas. And what an added blessing - God hears my prayer and answers; what a joy when His generosity and my asking collide and I am given new faith in the One who knows me, loves me and has everything I need. Thank You God!

As usual, I am swallowing down self-recrimination which robs me of my joy in God's salvation. This morning, I choose to focus on the goodness of God covering all my sin and presenting me blameless and perfect this morning before the throne of grace. I am forgiven totally and utterly. I am welcome before the Lord, I am destined in be in glory forever and ever and today God is good.